Brain Food #865: When modesty gets in our way
Between showing and being seen
The spotlight effect is a psychological phenomenon which leads us to believe we are being noticed more than we actually are. It is a form of self-conscious egocentrism that makes us inadvertently feel we are the centre of attention (particularly when it comes to potentially exposing our perceived flaws), even though we rarely behave as if we are.
And so, we silence ourselves. We hide. We resort to modesty, which, as Maya Angelou suggested, can get in the way of our potential:
“I know what I want to achieve. I’m not being modest, I have no modesty; modesty is dangerous. It’s a learned affectation. And as soon as a modest person gets slammed against the wall by life, modesty will drop off faster than a G-string from a stripper.
I hope to be humble. Humility is from within. And so that keeps you honest.”
Humility is about recognising that where we are was never entirely up to us, and that we also have a duty to help others by offering what we have: “It says someone was here before me and I’m here because I’ve been paid for. I have something to do and I will do that because I’m paying for someone else who has yet to come.”
For Arthur Schopenhauer, too, modesty was a form of hypocrisy, stemming from an attempt to downplay our capabilities, in order not to offend those who might envy us for having them:
“For what is modesty but hypocritical humility, by means of which, in a world swelling with vile envy, a man seeks to beg pardon for his excellences and merits from those who have none?”
The truth is much simpler: preoccupied with their existence, their very own imaginary spotlights, no one else is truly watching. And if no one is watching, that makes us free. The scrutiny mostly lives inside our heads.
But it also means that on the occasions when we want someone to notice—our product, our project, our prose—we will have to try much harder to be seen. This brings rejection, doubt, and criticism. Still, life can be seen as a form of puzzle: all the pieces are valuable and necessary; they just need to find their place. Rejections are mere course corrections.
As poet Maggie Smith put it:
“People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are, which is a blessing and people aren’t seeing as much as you are putting out. So, I always say, talk louder, and stop apologizing.”
Always seeking the spotlight can be counterproductive, but we can at least try to stand in its humble halo.
After all, the work does not always do the talking; it doesn’t have a mouth.
There are enough examples throughout history to suggest that, one way or another, good work gets discovered, even if modesty keeps it from the limelight. It may just not happen in this life. Emily Dickinson’s poetry, written mostly in seclusion at her tiny desk, was published by her sister after her death. Everything eventually finds its place.
A modest lot
by Emily Dickinson
A modest lot, a fame petite,
A brief campaign of sting and sweet
Is plenty! Is enough!
A sailor’s business is the shore,
A soldier’s — balls. Who asketh more
Must seek the neighboring life!
