Brain Food #580
The mortifying ordeal of being known
Thoughts of the day
One of my favourite topics to return to, once every now and then, is how impossibly imperfect we all are.
Essayist Tim Kreider, in a hilarious piece titled Oof (originally published as I Know What You Think of Me), describes how he rented a herd of goats (for undisclosed reasons) and sent out a mass email with attached photos of said goats. Shortly after, he found himself accidentally included in an email response that was about him, but not meant to be read by him, in which the word ‘oof’ was used in a weighty manner.
He then goes on to analyse the internal turmoil that occurs as we encounter the unfiltered version of what other people might actually think of us.
“What was surprisingly wounding wasn’t that the email was so insulting but simply that it was unsympathetic. Hearing other people’s uncensored opinions of you is an unpleasant reminder that you’re just another person in the world and everyone else does not always want to view you in the forgiving light that you hope they will — making allowances, assuming good intentions, always on your side. There’s something existentially scary about finding out how little room you occupy, and how little allegiance you command, in other people’s hearts.”
Ignorance is bliss, he argues. But he goes on to make a more important point:
“Of course we make fun of the people we love: they are ridiculous.”
And it is often those who are nearest and dearest to us that are able to make this observation, people who might know us better than we know ourselves. In order to be loved, Kreider says, we must “submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.” As long as we are armed with a strong sense of humour and the ability to criticise constructively, and with sensibility.
The ‘Oof’ email came from Kreider’s agent. They are still friends.
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